Dear Karthik -
Hope you are well?
It is a season of open letters; a
concept where you pen your thoughts in the public domain – well the last time I
did something like that, this was still called ‘blogging’. But in keeping with
the times and in the rat race to grab more eyeballs, let’s call this one an
Open Letter indeed.
Like in any other letter, open
letters also are generally addressed to a second person; a person or people who
you think deserves a pat on their back, a free dose of your unsolicited advice,
an unconditional apology or even a public bashing for holding views contrary to
your own. In the age of a bitterly hostile Internet, the last one definitely sounds
more familiar. And as a result, it is much safer to address such an outpouring
of thoughts directly to you than anyone or anything specific – lest I be
judged.
It’s only been a few months since
you left India on a short assignment abroad, but a lot has changed since then.
For starters, Deepika has managed to turn the entire definition of feminism on
its head and despite staying single, has managed to give birth to a whole new
breed of feminists and its relevant antonyms, in equal measure. Her choice, of course!
Trust me, the endless debates are fun. As I write, somebody somewhere is already
judging which side I am on.
As I browse your dutifully
uploaded FB photos of enjoying the London (phoren
emphasized) rain and cold in those thick furry jackets, I can’t help but
curse the dry and scorching heat of Indian summers. The drought has become
worse this year. As a tradition, we have unitedly decided to blame it on our
useless politicians and also on deforestation, concretization and the
burgeoning population. I tend to feel relaxed when I am able to figure out the
root causes and just name them.
By the way, beef and liquor consumption
is slowly being banned in India, one state at a time. I hope I can lay my hands
on those Scottish single malts (before the Customs do) that you plan to get for
me by the time you return. Not to suggest, but bribing your way in will still be
unofficially legal.
In matters of grave national
concern (or as the Media would like us to believe), it has become extremely important
in the past few months to align yourself to one of the few handful political ideologies
or personalities floating around. Please do not gloat about the greatness of
any foreign country as you risk falling in the category of anti-nationals. Do
not praise the incumbent government or the general improvement in public
delivery services as you will fall prey to being called a Bhakt. And for heaven’s
sake, do not even consider supporting the opposition as they have been
carefully classified into a brilliant cassata of Sickulars, presstitutes,
Aaptards and Libtards. It is better you restrict yourself to movies and pubs,
although beware, watching and appreciating a Khan movie has its own repercussions
these days. All three have been already categorized, that’s why.
E-commerce is booming and the
discounts are great. Start-up is the new IN thing. Some concepts are so
brilliant that they just end up being good-looking websites or apps. Either you
end up receiving a dish-wash bar instead of a slick smartphone or you receive
nothing at all. Gone are the days when potential in-laws used to ask how much
cash you earn, the VCs are asking these budding entrepreneurs how much cash they
burn?
As far as rules of social network
are concerned, I am sure you have artfully mastered it by now. It is ok to have
an opinion, voicing it is the problem. The barrage of anti-opinions, abuses, ridicule,
trolls from one-time friends and friends of friends of friends, will make you
feel unloved, unpopular and a social outcast. Just try being nice and accommodative
of all. And remember the keyword – RESEARCH. They all say you haven’t done
enough of that when they intend to pin you down intellectually. Please quote
quotes and cite citations every time you write something that borders on
blabbering or unintended gyan. That’s a sure recipe for a long-lasting social
networking health.
All in all, I wish you an
enriching experience of staying abroad. Imbibe the best of that culture and
come back to your motherland to drain it all down the gutters the moment you
land. The cash-rich Olas and Ubers will be waiting at Bangalore airport in
anticipation of your grand reception for a nominal peak-time surcharge of 4.7
times the metered fare to home destination. You are, of course, free to abuse
the rowdy autowallah for charging wonandaaf (1.5 times) the original fare.
Upload more photos on FB and
allow me to judge that you truly are an attention-seeker and a sucker for Likes.
Awaiting your reply,
Yours truly –
Karthik
P.S.: If possible, please get
either Mallya or The Kohinoor along with you. The latter makes more sense as
only that would truly settle the banks’ loans.
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